Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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