i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
