Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
