I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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