call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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