i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
