I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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