I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
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And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
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I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink