Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
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we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
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It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore