I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
