I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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