I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
