Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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