You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
