new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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