i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
