just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
