I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
