I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
