FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
