apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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