Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
