If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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