Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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