The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
