just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
