Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
