Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
