she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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