Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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