i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
