You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
