guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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