my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
