I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
