Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
