she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
