I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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