if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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