someone threw a dead crab at me
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
