if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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