Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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