My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
