Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
