It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
if only i could text you this smell
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
