my phone needs a breathalizer
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
