I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
