An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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