He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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