how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
