I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights