This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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