my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Randomize
