I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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