I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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