please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
