turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
