I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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