I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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