Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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