remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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